19 hours and counting...

I've pretty much reversed my sleep cycle.

Only way to fix it: stay up for 1 day/night combo.

Progress: Shitty.

It might be the lack of food, dehydration, annoyance, or overconsumption of caffeine and nicotine, but I feel weird. Pizza and apple juice FTW! (BTW Chris, I'm eating your last pizza. You're going to Cuba, you won't miss it.)

Also, my shoulder is killing me. Need to stop sleeping on couches. I can't remember the last time I slept in my own bed during the night. Wacky.

Mmm pizza...

Music of the midafternoon

You know those songs that just sum up your mood/life perfectly? I don't find them very often, so when I do they bring me much joy. Then I ruin it a little by hitting replay 17x.

Because dancing around naked when no-one's home is more fun than a one night stand.

hmmmm....

I smell good. Like, really good.

Delightful times with wonderful people make me happy inside. But it makes the terrible times with other people feel significantly more awful. Maybe I should have gone to Brantford. I doubt it.

I helped B take up smoking. She's not very good. It's nice that I can pass my skills on to the next generation. Most of my skills are not appropriate for anyone to observe, then attempt to copy while I instruct and correct. "It's more something I'd have to show you..."

I keep having sex dreams about the oddest people. It both entertains and unnerves me. Getting laid would most likely help with that. Hmmm...

We are all on drugs.

No, not all of us. Just me!

It's called Primidone and it's an anti-seizure medication. No, I haven't been harbouring a secret seizure disorder for years, it's also used in treating tremors.

Fun things:

- It makes you feel like you're perpetually tipsy. Everything is funny.

- Tremor is barely noticeable. I think anyways, but no one listens to the drunk girl.

Less fun things:

- I can't feel my arms. Well, I can, it just feels like they're asleep.

- Hand-eye coordination is off. It's very annoying when trying to type. It's a good thing I have spell check.

- Being perpetually tipsy is kind of annoying. You need to try extra hard to not fall down and then start freaking out because you can't feel your face. It's a little unnerving.

- I may or may not be able to drive. Luckily, I don't have to be anywhere for about an hour so I'm hoping some of the effects will wear off.

Assuming they do, the risk/side effects is/are totally worth it.

I used to listen to this band all the time. Then I forgot about them. Then I was reminded of them today. Favourite song:

King of the Past

Check your watch;
You're fourteen and more.
Here lies a road not travelled before.
Down in the cellar,
There's beer on your breath.
And up off the floor,
Did you let him explore?

Check your map.
You're Louis Riel.
He rode a horse before you were born.
Out in the flatland,
The money's all spent.
And out in the field,
Your fate has been sealed.

I'm the King of the Past, but still I walk forward.
Won't close my eyes to the passing of time.
I'm in Fredericton Northern where the rivers make borders,
But planes fly right over them.

Check your map,
'Cause you've lost your watch.
It's buried under snow; its time does not stop.
Find your way homeward.
The rivers are freezing.
And under the ice,
The borders are changing.

I'm the King of the Past, but still I walk forward.
I step over hundreds of years yet to come,
While the eyes in the back of my head draw no borders,
Just rivers that channel the rain

Is it weird that I attempt to draw a specific meaning from the music I listen to? As in, I hope the artist was feeling the exact same thing/thought that I am when they wrote it? hmm.

boobs

Because I can.

So apparently I suck at blogging. Mostly because it's just infrequent. Perhaps I will take up...I couldn't think of anything appropriate I haven't already done. I'm a terrible person.

Drink- Check

Smoking- Check

Assorted bad decisions- Check

Now if I can kick liver disease and lung cancer, I will have lived a moderately exciting life before I turn 20! Yay me!

I hope I get shot before I get cancer. If not, I will move to X country and no one will ever hear from me again. Unless I am rich. Then there will be a stream of surgeons and drugs. I wonder what surgery is like. I would be good at it were it not the thing in my brain. hmm...

I should call my doctor. Supposedly, she has drugs that can help me. Worth a shot I suppose. Ack, brain.

I am clean for a week! yay quitting!

It sucks balls. I need an alternate habit to distract me. Ooo men!

I need to move away. Not just out, away. It will be good for me. I like that Blogspot continuously saves a draft of my writings. It makes me feel secure.

Is it weird that when I feel insecure, I tend to ignore it with thoughts of awesomeness? I don't think so, but denial tends to screw up your perspective on these things. Switching brains with someone would be awesome. For like ten minutes, then it would be kind of awkward. I wonder how long it would take to tap into someone's secret thoughts that they don't want you to know. I imagine some would be glaringly obvious, while you would have to dig for others.

I can just imagine how that conversation would go: "Hi, can I have 10 minutes inside of your brain?"

Someday it will be a book.

Jam Haus

So I'm at B and V's house in Guelph. I have been drinking and I have lucky charms on the inside of my tummy and a warm kitty on the outside. It is nice. (B, I will not eat all the lucky charms this time, i promise).

So my ex acquired a new girlfriend today. Frankly, i have mixed feelings. I do not envy her or have feelings of jealousy, but i am a bit confused. I was supposed to be the clever one who moved on to bigger and smarter things (and by bigger i mean taller ;)) but I'm still more or less where i was a year or so ago. This seems wrong.

On the bright side, I have several sexy boys who are fond of me, and decent in bed. I also have friends who are sexy, fond of me and are generally good eggs. Once i get into uni, get un house and start doing something worthwhile, hopefully my mindset will turn around.

Depressed Tory is no fun, I do not like her.

Perhaps some more alcohol!

rum at 2 AM may or may not prove to be a good idea...

i had the happiest weekend. I saw a friend I hadn't hung out with in some time, soaked up some vitamin D, and was threatened by an old man with a maple syrup bottle.

I have a tasty pina colada cooler. It is tasty. I really want chicken strips :)

So I am teaching a friend of mine how to enjoy alcohol in return for piano lessons. Should be good times!

I need both a Cosmo magazine and a drink...I need sexy advice and in the absence of girl-friends who have such knowledge, I need a Cosmo.

So apparently I'm posing for a friend picture-takingness. good times? we shall see.

I'm listening to Marianas Trench. I like this song *inserts lyrics*

You never really wanted it

You'll settle for a bit of it

We started with a big bang

And now it's comming back again

Hey, don't you feel it now?

My shiny side down

Hey, burning brighter still

And you're getting sick

And you're feeling it

It'll wear you down and wear you down

You chase it, breathing in and out and in and out

They'll push you up against the wall, against the wall

You didn't think you'd feel it all but you were wrong about it

Push

It's actually about heroin addiction but i like it.

LIBRARY!

i am sitting in the KPL (kitchener public library) and it is lovely. I love libraries. They embody everything that is good in the world. There is a man with crazy hair over in the corner. I don't know if i should compliment him on it? Would he be offended? I will just remain in awe from afar.

this is a comfy chair.

My neck really hurts. perhaps from sitting up all night watching films? probably...

trying to scout out an outlet so i can plug in and recharge. so far nothing...oh well i have 26 mins of battery left.

I hate people who talk on their cell phones in the library. There is a big sign in the front that says turn it off so TURN IT OFF! maybe if i throw this book he will shut up.

he's talking about Heroes. Asshole.

Did i mention i love the library? Someday i will go through with a shopping cart and check out all the books that look remotely interesting to me. Then i will take three weeks and read them all! librarians tend to hate me

i want fish and chips.

phone man wants someone to move out. wasnt paying attention. dont care.

If the library was a person, I would marry it.

Know who was cool? Machiavelli. I have his book, the Prince, but I have yet to read it. It's funky and purple. Ooo this music is so funky, it makes me want to obey the law!

Should i move next to cute studious looking boy who also is using a mac? He's hogging the closest outlet...I think i shall.

Enjoy, B!

1 Day=2 posts!

Because I Can

So I enjoy my friends and our mildly odd practices.

Pour example:

The majority of teens/twenty-somethings spend their weekends partying and getting wasted. While we partake in those activities from time to time, most days we sit in fast food places pondering our existence, and discussing improper pluralization. I think more fun is had when alcomohals are not involved.

I like to think it's because we are more intelligent. Perhaps we're just boring.

it is the most gorgeous day outside!!!!

I love my house. More specifically, the space surrounding my house. The rain has made it super green and all the trees are blowing in the breeze. *sigh* Happiness.

I am aware that my blogs tend to flow towards the more depressing and angsty. I have yet to determine why this is. I shall try to make it stop.

I has Peach Mango Fuze!!! Delicious! I think I will take up the study of adjectives. It really is quite intriguing. Or not...I'm a nerd.

I think I will go play outside. Morris also loves the sun! We will go on adventures! (for newcomers, Morris is my cat).

and so...

so i'm pro at multitasking. I want to know if this is a good thing to put on my resume or not. Some people think it implies work is done sloppily but i disagree.

apparently I have commitment issues. Shocker, I know, but I never really thought about it a lot...i can't even commit to a habit. (see Tory's inconsistent smoking)

*ponders*

*denial*

*moves on*

perhaps i will move away. Spain is nice. Also France. Need to brush up on my languages if that is to be the plan.

good lord my head feels funny. and there is a crazy rushing in my ears. It's been there for a while and I'm wondering if I should be worried. Probably not.

So I can't sleep. The past few weeks I go to bed, lie awake for three hours (at least) and then wake up intermittently for fear of sleeping through my alarm. And I always sleep through my alarm. Also my dreams are the stuff of acid trips. Although, not gonna lie, hot boys wrestling wolves = pretty freaking awesome. I might be sick.

I need a job.

I think I'm on the edge of having an anxiety attack. I'll just break down in the middle of the mall or something. "I just want to be a buttercup!" Kudos to me though, I manage to hide my crazy quite well, I think. Or not.

I discovered Sugar Mountain this weekend. Goodbye good dental health!

So tired...

so 2010 eh? kind of a fun number.

i have been unemployed for three weeks this sunday. and its valentine's. are the two related? not really. i do not like being unemployed mostly b/c i get bored quite easily and then i end up being angry and frustrated with everything around me.

i had a minor epiphany at bible study last night. perhaps the reason i have very few romantic tendencies etc is b/c i have the gift of singleness. personally i like to think of it more as a super-power. But Paul had a good point. life is significantly easier for a single person. if you feel that you should pack up and move to Indonesia, you can with fairly little hassle. Less hassle than say, moving a family of seven.

Also having a bf/husband means taking the initiative to please other people and take care of them. Not exactly my fortes.

im interested to see how this singleness business will work out. in the past, it has just been an excuse to make out with strangers and general bad decision making. perhaps this will be a new leaf that i will flip. we shall see.

my cat is preggers. it makes her paranoid. she'll probably sell the kittens for crack. what a crazy cat. i saw a st bernard last night where there ought not to have been one.

i havent blogged in a while. i should do it more often.

Anyways, i just caught up on my friend's blog which was an interesting and entertaining experience. I am now listening to Stuck In the Middle With You. havent heard it in a long time and it makes me happy :)

So its almost Christmas and im not sure how i feel about it. I'm feeling more apathetic about it this year than ever before and its making people around me angry. My big sister is home and is spending her time pissing me off and losing her luggage.

When did we decide to give presents to each other? and when did parents decide that their spoiled little brats deserve anything their little hearts desire and it is their right to snowplow anyone who gets between them and the Wii that they HAVE to have and abuse any and all employees that can't fulfill their every whim? im a tad bitter if you couldnt tell.

in defense of the Christmas spirit and all that jazz, it does tend to make people more generous. I had a group of people come into the pub after a hockey game and the first guy who left paid for them all (secretly). It was right at the end of my shift and it made my night a little brighter.

Charities use this generous spirit to their advantage and are all out there in full force, pushing starving children and homeless puppies on people. I support a lot of these organizations and im pretty sure ive given more money away this year than ever before. Some people think its a huge conspiracy for money that never gets to the kids, but im pretty sure at least some of it gets there and that's enough for me. Also it seems silly to hold on to my money to spend it on something pointless when it could be helping others with their basic everyday needs. It's only money and there's more where that came from.

Also in the spirit of Christmas and family and such, im very happy my parents are fairly sane people. I often take them for granted, when they are in fact, incredibly loving and fantastic people. They arent perfect, but after a conversation with a friend of mine the other night, i want to go home every night, hug them, and thank them for being there.

it makes me really sad when i think about the way some people treat their kids. No parents are perfect, but you can try to learn from your mistakes and make yourself better.

I could go on, but ive already shaken out a ton of brain contents tonight and its a lot for anyone reading this. its what happens when i ignore blogging for a while.

i cant feel my fingers anymore

so its late or early and i been doing some heavy thinking. mostly about how i manage to get so cold, yet all i do about it is throw on a blanket and complain when im barefoot...

anyways

i always feel strange about blogging about my personal life. its supposed to be a private thing and im a fairly big fan of keeping things that way. but apparently all the cool kids are throwing their lives out into the internet so i way as well. maybe it'll get lost in the cracks.

upon a discussion with a friend of mine, i've made a fairly intense discovery about myself. i can't have a serious discussion, even about something thats hurt me or made me sad without making a joke or attempting to diffuse the situation with humour. i dont think i'd ever thought about it til he pointed it out and now its bothering me.

I had a deep discussion with my father tonight. i appreciate his apologies and all, but i dont understand how he thinks a trip to a bookstore will make everything better. perhaps because its the one thing we have in common. still, presumptous and silly. i almost enjoyed turning down his offer.

i'm still pondering whether i want to let him attempt to buy my love or just forget it.

its interesting how your relationships with your parents can affect your romantic life. the more i think about it, the more it disturbs me.

song i like:
Boten Anna - Basshunter
its about a boy and his computer, but its in swedish so its cool

Chips, Dip and Bad Assery

Bad assery is a new word i discovered. i forget where. prepare to hear it. a lot. 

ANYWHO.

I have yet to pick up my potential patio furniture. Should probably get on that. My brother filled my ipod with random music so as of right now i'm not entirely sure what it all is. but yes my story....

i was walking home from work and the song playing on my shuffle was I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry. I think this song is hilarious b/c she wrote it as a total joke to make fun of people who get pissed off by gay people. anyways i laughed my way home. and then i was almost at my driveway when my small brother Steve ran out and attacked me. He does that.

I smack peoples butts. It's my thing. I'm not opposed to having my butt smacked. it's gonna happen anyways so i may as well accept it. once my former boss was talking about pockets on jeans and started pointing and pulling at mine to make his point. he was quite confused when i didn't react to him touching my ass.

I also discovered a supercool way to divert attention if one is a celebrity. Oddly enough, i saw it in a Britney Spears video. Sneak a bunch of people of your similar height and build into your residence. Everybody dress exactly the same and wear sunglasses and wigs. Then spilt up and all meet up and the desired location later. It's brilliant! Trenchcoats work best b/c you can hide your actual clothes underneath! must use this plan sometime....

I just cracked my neck. i dont understand why people think cracking joints are gross. i take pride in the fact that i can crack most of my joints at will. My mother didn't like holding my hand as a child b/c my fingers would crack if she gripped in the slightest.

well i'm gonna post this now b/c beccya is jonesing for a blog fix

Late night thoughts

SO!

I bought 4 chairs today. They may or may not be patio furniture. I do not know and i do not care. The reason for all my hording of household items and furniture is my eagerness to move out. And when this time comes, i plan to be fully equipped! 

It's kind of funny that i'm so psyched about moving out. My family is tolerable (i suppose :)) and generally i am quite content.

But i do need some element of freedom in my life and i am certain my relationship with my parents can only improve once i stop lying and sneaking around! More revolutionary thoughts to follow.

funny story about celery: the amish/mennonites give it as a wedding present because it is supposed to help fertility. Judging from the huge sizes of their families, i'm gonna say it works. back in the day they said it was asparagus. who knows?

I can't find my chapstick :( and contrary to the oh-so-popular kate perry song, cherry chapstick doesn't taste like anything. It smells tasty and so one might be fooled into thinking that it tastes good, but it's all an elaborate lie. My brother once ate a stick of cherry chapstick.

i don't wear pink. i didn't used to wear it on principle and now i can't buy it. It's like if i picked it up in a store something drastic would happen. It makes me feel like i betrayed some inner part of me. How odd is that? 

Also i think anyone who has known me for any length of time would have a heart attack if they saw me wearing pink. i might do it just for kicks :)

thoughts again

My hair smells really good right now. 

more thoughts i had regarding the picking of potential boyfriends and so on: 

unless you're going for short meaningless fling, DON'T date a boy who is not as smart as you. it will make you happy for a short time until you find yourself constantly correcting him and winning every argument just because he can't be bothered to pick up a newspaper and update himself on current events, and just goes by what he hears.

on the same note, don't date a boy who doesn't read. if the last thing he read was either a children's book or Playboy, make your excuses and flee the scene.

A recent piece of clever advice i received was that you shouldn't go out with someone who's music you cannot tolerate and vice versa. in retrospect, that would have made a great deal of difference to me.

a pet peeve of mine are boys who cannot be removed from their gaming devices. i have slowly fostered a hatred for the majority of video games (except the Wii :) ) and cannot abide people who are addicted to gaming. 

if you are usually up on current events, make sure that you find someone who you discuss these with. Otherwise you will be rambling on about the state of affairs in the UK and, not knowing any better, he will blithely agree with you. (being agreed with all the time is not all its cracked up to be). 

more thoughts as they come to me

Part 2!

Now for men!

Well...

I know a lot of men/guys/boys. I make friends with them easier, find them more entertaining, and often more helpful than many girls i know. The majority of my friends have been guys since i was about 7, so i have had a lot of time to observe the male gender. And contrary to popular belief, as a group, they are not a complicated people. 

This is also a synopsis of what i have learned in my collective relationships/meaningless flings.

Boys want sex, food, understanding and a little love. Usually in that order. 

 Complete honesty in a relationship is not only impossible, its a bad idea. Neither one of you really wants to know how many people the other has kissed, whether you ever had a crush on their brother (or sister), etc. Sometimes a white lie can save a relationship while complete honesty is a little ridiculous. Anyone who saw the episode of that 70's Show where Kelso told Jackie about every lie he ever told her will understand my point.

While we're talking about lying, may as well talk about acting. If you want him to stay interested, pretend you like stuff you secretly hate. Whether its the biting, the incessant phone calls, or just his music. Sometimes it works itself out, but its a short term strategy mostly. 

 Even if a boy tells you that he loves you for you, he's still gonna try to change things about you. Some boys are subtle, some are rather blunt. One boy asked me that i wear tighter jeans. i made him pay for them. If you don't have a problem with the change, don't let him know. Make him fight for it. Its more fun this way. Also it makes him feel like he earned it. 

I know girls do this to their men as well, so introduce a little bit of give and take. He stops wearing that god-awful shirt and you will wear a lower cut one on Tuesday. Boobs usually trump everything. More on that later. 

Yeah i can only cram so many thoughts into one post so thats it for now!